sillybilly’s blog

Have " gone off" writing lately.  Yep, can just about hear that collective sigh of relief  from cyber space...lol...and can't say I blame it!!. I am going to still visit and read and get my fixes of laughs and thought provoking blog entries from my favourites and of course any newbie who catches my interest.  I don't  know why but words are failing me big time.....ahhh perhaps I have joined that club after all...isn't it true that " writers" ( and I mean real ones not the aspirational kinds like me...) all suffer from "writer's block" at some stage in their lives? Ummm...maybe this is mine.  Cheerio all until I get myself unblocked!!!

When I  was very young, maybe 15 or 16 and just learning my trade.  He was elderly ( well...anyone over 40 looks elderly when you are that age..but I guess he must have been in his 70's) and he would chat to me when I cut his hair.  Real pearls of wisdom he would offer but his best ..and the older I am getting the more I know he spoke that truth to me was " Trust no-one, trust your money only" . Yep.  Trust no one.  Keep your cards close.  Never show your hand.

While walking this morning  my thoughts wandered to a specific young Canadian  who is pleading forgiveness these days but was a " hard ass" those days....yeah well I was  reminded of a particular dialogue of diatribe he not so eloquently spat at me when I was begging him for a "reason" , an "answer" a "why" for what he did to me....his answer to me was "Harden up bitch".  "Harden up".

I have.  For you, you mothereffer Canadian piece of shit.

I will never make myself vulnerable to another human being ever.  EVER.  I will never show my cards again.  I will never again be the "Dancing Bear with nose ring" in human form stripped of dignity and  in pain appealing for decency and equality but  who is only of entertainment value of the derogatory kind. My naivette and  genuineness will never be be  exploited again.  Never again will I figuratively  ( or literally come to think of it!)  "suck cock" again for any phallus, real or otherwise.  I won't prostitute my soul ever again so that my flesh is safe from harm and secure from the elements.  I won't do it.  This time  I would "Bobbit " any offender who would dare to make me dance ring through nose again as foreplay for the rape of my soul.  

I will never make myself vulnerable to another human being ever.  EVER.  I will never show my cards again.  I will never again be the "Dancing Bear with nose ring" in human form stripped of dignity and  in pain appealing for decency and equality but  who is only of entertainment value of the derogatory kind. My naivette and  genuineness will never be be  exploited again.  Never again will I figuratively  ( or literally come to think of it!)  "suck cock" again for any phallus, real or otherwise.  I won't prostitute my soul ever again so that my flesh is safe from harm and secure from the elements.  I won't do it.  This time  I would "Bobbit " any offender who would dare to make me dance ring through nose again as foreplay for the rape of my soul.  

The Canadian just emailed me again...and today I felt an overwhelming sense of pity/compassion/love ( what is the matter with me?) by that gesture .  Today  I would forgive him anything, today & only today I would even reach out and touch him if he were in my physical proximity.  Today I would say.." it ok cos we all make mistakes, we all hurt others by mistake or intention, God it hurt, yes it did..real bad..but ...it is ok...I've let go"  Today the tears are flowing freely.  Today, I forgive him. Just today.

It feels so good to feel well again!! I have energy......and I am not tired and I can exert myself and not feel breathless...Thanks God for IRON......oh boy...I never want to take my health for granted again!! Thanks Iron supplements and iron rich food!!!

I have never known such tiredness as I have these last few weeks.  And getting tired doing next to nothing...wow...considering what I once use to pack into a day. ( ok, so I was younger but...) I feel ok for a weeny bit and then I think...oh ok...I'll just do this..and after about 10 minutes of this..I am so pooped....and almost breathelss from the effort.  But...at least the blood tests have confirmed that I am quite anemic and that would explain the exhaustion.  No diabetes( thank god...mum is an insulin dependent diabetic) cholestorol is perfect, thyriods good....so all in all I am in quite good health...but oh boy have to try and eat red meat ( which I loathe!!) and always have but somehow managed to get adequate iron from somewhere else.  Have iron supplements and will eat the leafy greens and hopefully I shall soon be back to normal .. sorry guys...been quiet huh while I have been too tired to blog!!

Finished reading "With the Kama Sutra under my arm" it was a great read especially if India has you fascinated.  Now start "Holy Cow" by Sarah Macdonald....I haven't stopped laughing with every page I have turned.  You know I think I could quite easily be a Hindu ( of higher caste of course!!) cos I too would never eat the sacred cow by choice...( oh God I am going to have to somehow...bolognaise??) you know what....I think I am going to cancel that trip to Paris and visit India instead.....maybe? husband needs some convincing ...but I sure am Taj Mahar bound.....

Cheers all